for the first time...
silly....
so silly...
my thoughts are scattered.
i watch the tv, all time at home...
i stick to the news sites at the office, working from time to time..
grief? pain? hopelessness? maybe all!
i stare at the screen, type a few words, hold my head between my hands, close my eyes and breath, like a furious bull but keep quiet, calm.
my knee shakes like a snake's tail..
i light another cigarette, watch some tv; Jazeera, Hurra, Manar, NTV, Arabiya..looking for some news...
back to the pc, tayyar.org; refresh, skim thru the lines...
5 dead there, 10 somewhere else, numbers on the screen, terrible losses for others...
walk here and there, hands behind my back, bedroom, corridor, entrance, kitchen, living room, looking thru the windows, seeing nothing..
online petitions, rallies, candle lighting, and then?
i scratch my forehead, nearly taking the skin off.
all the embassies are calling on their citizens, some send warships for evacuation...
what about us?
my patriots!!!!!
every pole in the war escalates it higher and higher.
i do not see an end to this, before my country is burried in ashes...
photography, languages, education, all that interests me: BULLSHIT!
all my interests fall into ashes..
for the first time, i feel an urge to fight for my country; under the Lebanese flag.
my homeland is ravaged
my patriots are being savagely murdered
innocent civilians...burned!
call me naive, call me silly, call me primitive...
i am me, as silly as i feel...
i feel like leaving everything behind, and coming back to Lebanon.
call it madness.
self control feels like an oasis in a desert..
i feel rage...
i'll just stay home!
ashamed as i am.
so silly...
my thoughts are scattered.
i watch the tv, all time at home...
i stick to the news sites at the office, working from time to time..
grief? pain? hopelessness? maybe all!
i stare at the screen, type a few words, hold my head between my hands, close my eyes and breath, like a furious bull but keep quiet, calm.
my knee shakes like a snake's tail..
i light another cigarette, watch some tv; Jazeera, Hurra, Manar, NTV, Arabiya..looking for some news...
back to the pc, tayyar.org; refresh, skim thru the lines...
5 dead there, 10 somewhere else, numbers on the screen, terrible losses for others...
walk here and there, hands behind my back, bedroom, corridor, entrance, kitchen, living room, looking thru the windows, seeing nothing..
online petitions, rallies, candle lighting, and then?
i scratch my forehead, nearly taking the skin off.
all the embassies are calling on their citizens, some send warships for evacuation...
what about us?
my patriots!!!!!
every pole in the war escalates it higher and higher.
i do not see an end to this, before my country is burried in ashes...
photography, languages, education, all that interests me: BULLSHIT!
all my interests fall into ashes..
for the first time, i feel an urge to fight for my country; under the Lebanese flag.
my homeland is ravaged
my patriots are being savagely murdered
innocent civilians...burned!
call me naive, call me silly, call me primitive...
i am me, as silly as i feel...
i feel like leaving everything behind, and coming back to Lebanon.
call it madness.
self control feels like an oasis in a desert..
i feel rage...
i'll just stay home!
ashamed as i am.
posted by nour at 19:27
11 Comments:
i hope you don't fight. a friend of mine joined the military and he came back a different person. i love your pictures.
"photography, languages, education, all that interests me: BULLSHIT!"
Nour, I feel empty like you do. I am nothing if my country burns.
I am in a self punishing mood. I feel that is the least I could do
This sucks, hurts,I feel like am on top of it all, just watching, hands, mouth and thoughts numbed, cant do anything. What can I do? Who can I hit and blame or hurt to make this come to an end? The 3 women of my life are in Beirut, mother, sister, and fiancee. Me, here, sunny sunday, taking it easy, and them, suffering this nightmare. Not possible..
Hope all the people you know are safe and sound, and all the people we don't know or never will :(
Why can't it all just stop. Isn't it really that simple?
It is only madness.... how can u explain madness with logic....?
I feel so helpless .... it really hurts actually...
Even Here in Lebanon, we are feeling useless. Can't do anything while our country is destroyed.We too, all what are we doing is Internet, Tv and ...Food.It has been 4 days since i last left the house although our region is safe.Don't feel like seeing anybody or talking to anybody..
After reading so many blogs in these past few days, it feels like the general sentiment is the one of helplessness. For me, it hurts more than I thought it would to be far and looking at it from the safe outside. Nour, I understand your urge to be there and fight but I really hope you won't do that. I too feel helpless, disgusted, frustrated, mad, sad, angry, sick, what have you... Today, for the first time I cried, really cried, when I came back home from work, where all I did was read news, look at pictures of the beautiful Lebanon I visited 2 months ago and read some more news...
But we're not helpless, ya jame3a. Every bit counts. Rallies, demonstrations, online petitions, following the news, sending and waiting for sms, phone calls and emails from loved ones back home, and especially prayers. We're not helpless. Even writing here is good. I personally take comfort in reading these blogs filled with honest and pure feelings filled with nothing but patriotism and ultimate love.
We are strong and we are going to get through this one too. It's not the first and probably not the last one. Alla ma3na w ma3 Lebnen (God is with us and with Lebanon), this too will pass.
I feel so badly about what is happening to Lebanon. Your country did not start the conflict. A group within Lebanon did. Israel is wrong to bomb your people.
hi nour
i felt the exact same thing. completely empty, nothing means enough to me to be distracted from lebanon for the whole time. i had the same reaction of just leaving, at the moment and going back..
It is as if u r describing me as I was stuck, useless, helpless, speechless while my country is burning..it HURTS..even though there is ceasefire now I still can not get over this eery bad feeling that eats up my heart.
Post a Comment
<< Home